poppochan | [Kanzaki Iori] あの夏が飽和する。／That Summer Saturates. [Self Liner Notes]

These self-liner notes are taken from Kanzaki Iori's 1st album "Hakushi". He has specially published the liner notes online for "Ano Natsu ga Houwa Suru." and "Inochi ni Kirawarete iru."

あの夏が飽和する。

"あの夏が飽和する。/鏡音レン・リン" (Watch on YouTube)

Original song: Ano Natsu ga Houwa Suru.
Lyrics / Music: Kanzaki Iori

Content warnings for this entry:

Mentions of suicide attempt
Mentions of bullying
Neglectful family / Uninvolved parenting

「あの夏が飽和する。」

This song is a story with the image of summer.

I finished this song in winter a few years ago.

“It’s a summer song, so let’s upload it in summer!”

I was enthusiastically thinking, but come the following summer, I forgot about it,

“Well, let’s upload it next year!”

And contrary to what I had hoped, I forgot about it again, and had to change my plans to include it in my indie albums. In the end, I uploaded it at last in the August of 2018.

Therefore, the lyrics were written a long time ago, and there are some parts reeking of my inexperience, which is embarrassing.

At the time, it was my first time writing a narrative song, and it was difficult to decide how I wanted to tell the story, and what kind of impression I wanted to leave on the listeners at the very end of the song. On top of that, I thought about how I wanted to imbue within the song, the things I wanted to say, how I wanted to express my world view, how I wanted to convey my feelings. I remember the adjustments being a considerable challenge. In the end, I didn’t manage to collect them all well, and the lyrics become really long, but I’m particularly fond of the end product.

The story in this song was built upon my own real life experience.

As a disclaimer, I didn’t travel with a girl like the characters in the song, and of course nobody died.

In the summer of my third year in middle school, I ran away from home an uncountable number of times.

To be honest, from when I was in elementary 4, I was growing increasingly unhappy with my discordant household. I ran away from home at least once a year.

But up until that summer, even if I ran away, I wouldn’t tell my family anything, I would skip school and take the bus with what money I had, leaving aimlessly and returning aimlessly after I had calmed down a little bit. It was just like a simple day trip, except with more intense emotions.

At home, I couldn’t talk to anyone, and at school I was bullied and had no place to go. On top of that, it was a period of time where I was thinking a lot about what to do with my further education, and I guess there was a lot of stress on me. I wished so strongly to run away from there, and right before summer, I tried to kill myself.

Regarding that attempt, it’s an entire other story so I’ll spare the details, but anyway, I tried and failed and that was that. Since that was the case, I decided I’d figuratively die, run away from home and fix my life in a brand new place. At 11am, I put an air pump, a rucksack, a jacket, and a single set of pants and socks into the basket of my bicycle. With that kind of preparation, I secretly left home.

I hadn’t decided where I should go, and just randomly cycled as I pleased. Eventually, I reached a part of the countryside that I didn’t recognise, and started getting uneasy, but I told myself that if I could pass this field, I would be able to grow up into an adult, and other senseless things, and earnestly kept cycling on.

I didn’t have any money, so I couldn’t buy water or food. I would drink from the streams at times, and happened to come across a construction site in the middle of the road. The workers who were working there were at the site and away from their resting place, where they had left bottles full of Pocari Sweat. I stole a bottle and managed to keep living. Of course, that’s a crime.

At the time, I hadn’t been bought such convenient things as mobile phones, so by the time I noticed, I had no idea where I was, how far I had come, and how to go home. At that point, realising that I had no way of returning, I felt like all of my troubles up until then had returned to a blank slate.

Finally, I was no longer a pitiful kid.

The me who was bullied, who was called names, who went home in tears once in a while, was nowhere to be seen. That me who had existed up until that point had died.

I was going to look for a new me, from here on out.

I was thinking of such things, while drenched in sweat and frantically cycling through the countryside roads.

Anyway, as a simple bratty third-year in middle school, with neither money, food, nor survival knowledge, I didn’t cycle for hours and days on end.

In the end, I was worn out and sitting by the side of the road when a kind uncle approached me in concern. At first I lied to him, but almost immediately exposed the truth, and he brought me to the police box.

When he called the police, I got a brief glance at the uncle’s phone wallpaper, and there was a picture of his son and daughter, a photo of his children in great bliss.

It was a lovely family photo, and I was so jealous I could kill.

After he brought me to the police box, the uncle explained the situation to the police, and they told me they wanted to bring me to the police station for the sake of “protection”.

Honestly, I was excited. How would it feel like to be inside a patrol car? Would they give me katsudon after the police interview?

My heart leapt at being brought to the police for the first time, but in the end the patrol car was just a normal car stuffed full of equipment, and after the interview they didn’t give me any katsudon.

Even then, I was still holding out a little hope. I hadn’t eaten anything, so I said I was hungry, and I remember the aunty who had interviewed me gave me a sweet. It was delicious. It was delicious, but katsudon would have been better.

I only found out after I was at the police station, but I was found at the neighbouring prefecture. I had apparently crossed a mountain and cycled around 100km away from my home when I was caught, my highest record for running away. It was good muscle training.

Of course, for my own sake, I surrendered the stolen, emptied water bottle to the police.

The aunty was really furious.

After that, the police called my family and they came to fetch me, and while crying we went back to my own home. After that, there was a little change in my environment.

The day after I came home, the whole family somehow turned up for dinner.

Whether it was because of the interrogation the police had put me through regarding my family, or whether it was my meddlesome mother’s idea, I have no idea what brought it about, but on that day, everybody ate dinner together.

Come to think of it, when the patrol car was bringing me to the police station, the police asked me why I’d run away from home. Somehow or another, I was telling him, “It doesn’t matter whether I’m home or not. We all eat dinner separately.” It was probably that policeman who told my parents what I said.

Seeing my family eat dinner together, it was an incredible feeling. My father, mother, and older brother, all eating the same food, watching the same TV, existing in the same space. It was my first time seeing it.

And more than just eating the same food, my father and mother even had a conversation for a short while. I’d seen them fighting with each other, but I think it was my first time seeing them actually talk and respond to each other like a family.

I'm not joking or exaggerating, that was a scene I had never seen since the moment I was born.
I was really happy, thinking that I too could finally live with them like a normal, regular family.

Or so I thought, but within three days, we had started eating separately again.

Well, that was as expected, since we’d never spoken for years, there’s no way we could easily act and become a normal family.

I was used to it, so it came as no surprise.

Of course, the bullying at school didn’t stop.

My teacher didn’t interfere, and my running away from home had nothing to do with the bullying at school.

In the end, my journey ended meaninglessly, futilely, without any reward to speak of. The only thing that changed were my feelings.

I partially think of that kind of past as a heroic story - that desperate attempt to flee, that pulsing excitement of going on a journey alone, I wanted to give shape to these, and wrote this song.

I reaped no reward from it, but during that journey, it was truly fun. Knowing in my heart that it would end in failure, but not knowing how it would end, that kind of excitement and anticipation is what I hope I could convey to my listeners.

Anyway, this is a side note, but when I turned 20, I used the excuse of heading to Tokyo to run away from home.

Stifled by the stress of my family and my work, I was already thinking, “The first step to deciding my life is to escape from this house.”

So without a job, and not knowing what I wanted to do, I headed to Tokyo with what little money I had saved. Tokyo was humid and warm, and to me who would perspire easily, it was hard to get used to, but I’ve gotten used to it now.

Now, for the sake of the happiness of that me who was in a miserable place, I’m challenging myself to lots of things I want to do.

I escaped that place, and I’m living a new life now.

If you think about it, that boy running away from home, finally became an adult and succeeded in running away at some point.

How I live from now on is up to me.

As I grow older, I want to try travelling overseas too. I like kimchi and eating meat dishes, so I would like to try living in Korea someday.

And I want to meet lots of people, to marry someone wonderful, to eat all kinds of food all over the world, to experience all sorts of things, and I want to be happy.

And when my father and mother and brother die, I will kick their bodies at their funeral, to trample on them and spit on them, and tell them loudly, “I became happier than all of you. Serves you right!”

There’s such a desire to do so, somewhere in my heart.

I don’t like myself, even now.

[Lyrics & Translation]

T/N: Ages: